Observant questioning (OQ) is the window to NOBLE Self-Leadership. It’s through observing one’s own thoughts, feelings, words and actions as a curious bystander that we see the limiting beliefs shackling us to unhappiness, frustration, lack of achievement and depression. Then, when we compassionately question those observations, the answers reveal new possibilities for what might be. The answers release us from those limiting beliefs and the often-associated shame and guilt that accompany them, opening new channels for growth.
When you’ve done the work to understand how and why we humans operate the way we do and you’ve suspended judgement, you gain the ability to take a step back from the situation at hand to consider the words and actions of yourself and others. Then with only curiosity as your lens, enquire ‘that’s interesting, could you expand?’ ‘Where did that reaction come from?’ ‘Is X consistent with the situation and their/my values?’
Anyone who’s heard me speak knows I believe Stephen Covey’s seminal book “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” is one of the top five books that every person should read in their lifetime. Simply, the earlier you read this book, the better your life will be. With Covey’s fifth habit – ‘Seek first to understand and then to be understood’ he explains how conventional schooling concentrates communication skills on reading, writing and speaking with little attention paid to the skill of listening. As a general rule, we are pre-disposed to sharing our opinion rather than seeking to understand someone else’s. As a result, we typically listen in order to respond quickly, rather than listening to understand. However, it’s far deeper than that. The fifth habit means truly wanting and making the effort to understand the macro and micro of another person’s world. It’s not just ‘how are you (right now)?’. It’s the big and the little things, from what happened on their way to work this morning to cultural and familial expectations and how those shape what they do and don’t say, what actions they do and don’t take. The same applies for you.
Listening includes not just someone’s words and actions,
but the context surrounding them, the silence between them,
as well as the emotion, energy, intent and beliefs that lie beneath them.
Importantly, we listen with more than our ears. Our ears provide the hardware to hear sounds, but sounds are not the only thing that we ‘listen’ for. To listen is to truly comprehend a whole message being conveyed. This includes not just someone’s words and actions, but the context surrounding them, the silence between them, as well as the emotion, energy, intent and beliefs that lie beneath them. Listening therefore involves our ears, eyes, gut and of course our brain. It involves not only what we hear, but also what we see, our intuition, our perception and finally, our interpretation of all those things.
It stands to reason then, that when we are observing, we do so with our whole body. We pay attention to what we hear, see, feel and think about ourselves and others. Aches, pains, indigestion, diarrhea, nausea, shallow breathing, lethargy, migraines and more are all possible indicators of our body’s incongruence with a situation. Observing any unexpected physical symptoms like these gives reason to question – why/where did that come from?
We have anything from 60,000 to 120,000 thoughts per day and of those,
80% are negative and as many as 95% are repetitive!
Additionally, observing oneself and having thoughts about our thoughts is arguably what sets humans apart from all other animals. Sadly, this ‘higher level thinking’ is far from positive. It’s generally accepted that we have anything from 60,000 to 120,000 thoughts per day and of those, 80% are negative and as many as 95% are repetitive! Rumination is rife among humans.
The good news is that although we are having all these thoughts, few of them are true! We are masters at making up stories in our minds and playing them over and over again. Incredibly though, our unconscious mind doesn’t know the difference between positive and negative (because nothing has meaning, any ‘it’, is neither ‘good it’ or ‘bad it’, rather, they’re just ‘it’) and so, as thoughts (aka stories) get repeated, they get reinforced and entwined in our existing beliefs (the majority of which were formed when we were young children).
When you practice observant questioning it’s like putting the world on slow-motion whilst you’re still able to think and move at normal speed.
When you practice observant questioning it’s like putting the world on slow-motion whilst you’re still able to think and move at normal speed. Instead of being in a speed loop of action-reaction-reaction-reaction…, observant questioning allows you to insert a pause between each to momentarily reflect on your and/or another’s position and then respond in a considered manner. The chain then becomes action-pause-response-action-pause-response… When we fail to observe and question, and instead fall into the pit of believing every thought we have as true, then react internally and externally to those beliefs of false thoughts, we can quickly become trapped in toxicity of thought.
Over 30 years ago American author Byron Katie discovered a simple set of questions to help neutralise these repetitive toxic thoughts. She realised her years-long suffering and depression stemmed from the belief of her thoughts regarding a situation, rather than the situation itself. These four questions allowed for rapid self-assessment to reveal not only the thoughts, but the belief beneath the thought. Katie’s four questions are:
Is it true?
Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
How do you react when you believe that thought?
Who would you be without the thought?
The belief that’s revealed from these questions is then reframed into something positive. This assists our unconscious mind begin the task of rewiring our thoughts to promote a helpful belief instead of the previous one that no longer serves us.
Am I happy with that?
Does that serve me and others? Do I need to change that?
Observant questioning encourages curious, compassionate self-enquiry. Stemming from the understanding that ‘just because I think it doesn't make it so’ we observe then question our own thoughts and behaviours. Why am I thinking that? Why am I behaving that way? Is it because of some ill-founded belief from years ago, or is it because of something that's happened recently? And, most importantly; am I happy with that? Does that serve me and others? Do I need to change that?
Our mind is masterful at making our thoughts appear as facts. Our bodies are also masters at revealing things we attempt to bury consciously and unconsciously. When we are incongruent with our values, our bodies know it and will provide subtle clues at first but then build in intensity to ‘voice’ it’s displeasure. We must also ‘listen’ to our bodies. By first observing and then being curious, we gain deep insights, challenge assumptions, improve health, and rewrite the scripts we tell ourselves. As a result, you’ll be calmer and more confident because you’re better connected with yourself and others.
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